What is Deep Listening?
When was the last time you felt heard, as in someone took the time to listen and internalize what you had to say? How did that act of listening make you feel? Seen? Appreciated? Connected? Validated?
The answer is probably yes to all of those things and more. In a perfect world we would all feel heard and understood on a regular basis, but the reality is that our days are so full of distractions that it is hard to be present for others. We are constantly distracted by the dings of our phone, demands of work, the endless to-do lists, and the chatter that goes on in our heads seemingly non-stop.
One of the greatest gifts you can give another being, whether that is a person, pet or plant, is to be fully present with them. Really listen to their words, what is said and unsaid, without distraction as if nothing else in the world matters. Because in that moment nothing else does. Giving yourself to others in this way creates a connection and intimacy we long for, but few of us actually experience throughout the course of our day.
What if you could give the gift of being heard to yourself? What if you could tap into that level of intimacy and deep connection without having to rely on others to provide it for you? You can! This is what I call deep listening.
The first step is to discern the difference between the voices you hear internally. Have you noticed they are different? For me, one is higher pitched, incredibly critical and judgmental and when located in my body seems to come directly from my head. This is the voice of Ego.
At the highest level, Ego is our sense of Self. It is incredibly complex and necessary for our existence. For example, one purpose of Ego is to keep us safe. In doing so Ego can be very critical to keep us small. Ego wants to protect us from all things unknown, scary or risky. Ego is also great at cranking through the to-do lists. Ego gets shit done. We need Ego for lots of reasons. Ego is our know-how.
The other voice sounds different. For me, it is lower in tone, speaks softly and comes from a place deep in the center of my core. This is the voice of Spirit. This voice knows why we are here and what we were created to become. This is the voice that guides us on our path. Spirit is our know-why.
Deep listening is all about tapping into that small deep voice within that knows. But, how? At first, it's not easy. Your Ego will want to talk you out of it, distract you with all the things that need to get done now, etc. Over time, you can learn the skills to be able to tap into the voice of Spirit whenever you want. It is always there, always ready to teach and show you the way. I've come to rely on this voice to guide me away from what Ego thinks I "should" do to stay small and safe and into a world of sacred service to others.
Here are some tips to help you quiet Ego and begin to listen to Spirit.
Be in Nature - Go outside by yourself without anything playing in your ears. Go outside for the purpose of just being quiet, not exercise. Go on a slow walk or find a place to sit. Try to be present and aware of what's happening around you. Do this for at least 10 minutes longer than it feels comfortable. Notice what comes up for you. What do you hear? What do you see? What do you feel? Can you just quiet your mind and be still?
Journal - If you journal regularly, you understand the power of taking a few minutes to write down your thoughts - with a real pen and paper. Journaling helps me process all kinds of things and often surprises me with what comes up. If you find journaling frustrating, get an old notebook you don't care about, not a pretty one you don't want to "mess up." Open a random page and just start writing. Write upside down if you want to. There are no rules! The purpose is to get your thoughts out of your head and onto the paper. Again, try to journal for at least 10 minutes longer than you want to see what comes up.
Work with a Coach - Unlike therapy that looks back at past events to help us understand what we are feeling now, coaching helps us reach goals and get to know ourselves at a deeper level. Good coaches will ask great questions, are fully present to listen to the answers and then mirror back what they heard. The coach is not there to give us an answer, but to help us find the answers we already know deep inside.
As an introvert, I've always preferred listening to talking. I'm rarely the first one to offer an opinion in meetings. I prefer to listen, process and then speak. While this can be seen as a weakness in the corporate world, I've come to know it as a strength. My ability to listen well is one of the characteristics that makes me a good coach, mentor and empathetic leader.
I dipped my toe in the waters of deep listening 15 years ago. Since that time, I've worked with different coaches for different purposes, attended retreats to unplug and reconnect with me, learned how to journal thanks to a process called Smashbooking, and have discovered the power of Nature as a guide to true belonging.
I've learned to listen to Ego at the right times to keep me safe. Most importantly I've developed skills to recover from exhaustion and burnout to be in a place of service to others. I would love the opportunity to work with you to do the same.
Click the button below to schedule a free 30-minute discovery session, so we can talk about how I can help you find your frolic.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
Be well, and frolic on!